NO, NOT NOW.

 

I have a 2 month old German Shepard dog called ‘Schatzi’. My brother named ‘her’ right before he went for a retreat. While he was away, my mother and I discovered that the puppy was male and not female as we previously thought. I cook for him everyday at around 5:00PM and I try to train him. “Schatzi, sit!”

I can hear myself repeating these words and running after the energetic dog all over our compound. By the time I got her to understand what ‘sit’ meant, I had met a guy, fallen in love and had been dumped. Schatzi still doesn’t obey me.  However, he eats everything I put on his plate and he even says thank you.

I never used to understand why men become so indignant when they are rejected. In this era of casual sex, casual dress codes, casual governments and casual religions, I would assume that if one door closed, another would casually open. I was yet to taste the true seeds of ‘no, not now.’

It was said in a very casual and caring tone but as a woman, in that moment, I felt like a man. I made intimate advances at a well functioning male and he said, ‘No, not now’.

I need to point out that this issue is quite normal in marriages. It is also normal in relationships where sex is a regular dish at the table. It does not happen on the second date and when it does, your system shuts down.

Something is wrong with me. There goes my 25 year old brain wondering if I am a little too fat, or a little too fast, or a little too hungry. I promise you, I tried to sleep. I closed my eyes and I kept seeing myself being hit by a bus. The vision was complete with my family members mourning and screaming at my funeral. This brother had killed me.

The worst thing about being pretty is when you realise that people were just exaggerating about how hot you are.  I took those complements to heart. I am not half as good in bed as I thought I was and my fellow ladies neither are you. It is just something that men say to keep you happy so stop wearing it like a hat. When you meet an honest man it will humble you so fast you won’t even know what hit you. Or maybe it’s just me.

There are days when Schatzi doesn’t want to play. He just sits on the grass and I rub his lower belly for a few minutes. We think about taking a crap but we are both too lazy to walk to our respective bathrooms so we hold shit in. Sometimes, people just don’t want to play. On those days, you both sit and rub each others stomachs. You might have a few things to say, a few things to deal with as individuals but you are too tired to listen or talk, so you hold shit in.

Those times when Schatzi and I lay on the ground tightening our asses and counting birds without making any sound, are the most precious. There is a publisher somewhere preparing to say, ‘No, not now’ to me.  I am okay with that. I will come back home and count birds with Schatzi until one of us stops counting and says, ‘No, not now.’

 

 

fault in our stars.

It doesn’t matter what is written in the stars. Because there are faults in our stars. There are faults in fate and there are bigger faults in our dreams. We are all confused..we don’t really know if we are who we are supposed to be..or who we want to be. We are like the divergent characters in the movie ‘divergent’. We don’t really belong…but we do everything to fit in. Fit in in this crazy world we created. We have so many boundaries, so many rules. Life doesn’t create fighters..it creates wars. We become fighters because..well..we have to survive somehow. You can either fight or hide….or die waiting. Sometimes, along the way..we meet things and people that we hold onto for a while..before they innevitably slip right through our fingers..and we clench our fists and try to hold it together..but like every other battle..something’s gotta give. We don’t really know if we lost the best thing, or are yet to find it. We don’t know if, when death comes knocking on our doors, we will walk towards it or try to jump through the windows. We know nothing about the people who govern us or the people we govern. We are already living in oblivion..but we believe in oblivion after death… So basically death is but a continuity of this oblivion? And to think it would all end. To think that at some point you’d hold something and know you’d never lose it, want something and know you’ll get it, live and not die, die and not live…wake up and not dream, fall asleep and not feel like you are falling for an eternity. Have no fears, need no courage. But such a time will never come. Because we wish for moments to last forever when they are really beautiful..but beautiful moments have to die..just like we all do. And stars have to fade. And the sun has to set. It all has to end. Everything will fall apart…then you’ll piece it back together..and it falls apart again. Learn how to hold onto nothing but your own heart, love no one but your own true self, fight for nothing but what you truly believe in, be nothing but who you are deep inside, see nothing but the beauty that lays around you, save those you can but don’t lose yourself for the lost, govern your world…live. Learn to bloody live. Feel it all. The emptiness, the peace, the battles within, the pain…*it demands to be felt*, the joy..name it!! But fucking feel it! And don’t regret whatever it is that made you feel it…because then..then it made you live… Then it gave you life… And then it gave you one more thing to wonder about when you die.

Life isn’t beautiful…or perfect…

But you can live it….so do.

BENEATH MY SOUL.

A ceature flew past, with grey and white fangs, gigantic wings and dead-hollow eyes.
It let out a cry, its beak long and serrated, and it plagued every soul with death..no man denies.
A dark cloud shifted in the heavens and settled right under the moon, giving way to pestilence,
A little drizzle here and there, srops that caused utter madness among men and deprived them of conscience.
So war broke out and they slaughtered their kin; the creature would fly past seconds before the cloud.
From a distance, she watched. With bleeding eyes and wrinkled hands, but the curve of her lips proved she was proud.

Then a dog came about, with the whiskers of a cat, and the talons of a dragon and the houl of a God.
It stood on a hill above a blind city and with every deep houl it cursed a womn with the devil’s pod.
And the city couldn’t handle it, the blleding and the deaths, the absurdity of these conditions made them flee,
But it stood there, and turned around, etched in every dream, it was with them, and them with it..but they could not see.

She stood up, exhausted, and she summoned the curses that she had sent out to the barren world.
The three of them retreated to where i lay and she convulsed, took in my breath, for in her beginning was my word.
I came alive once again, a vessel of destruction and tragedy: i burried my face in a moist wall,
And they seemed to be at peace despite my grief; in spite of the death that lingered on, they hid beneath my soul.

ммм

IS U.S FUNDING MUSLIM EXTREMISTS IN KENYA?

1. The current Iraqui President, Jalal Talabani was the first non-arab president of Iraq and was a member of Interim Iraq Governing Council, which was established after the overthrowing of Saddam Hussein’s regime by U.S. It is alleged that U.S helped Jalal to rig elections and hence his winning. Jalal met with George.W.Bush a couple of times and they joined forces to fight terrorism…apparently.
In 2007 Cord spent an estimated Ksh 13billion in the election which was said to be from well wishers. It is however claimed that the U.S president Barack Obama funded Raila Odinga’s campaign.
2. In March 1985 U.S president, Ronald Reagan signed National Security Decision Directive, which authorized stepped-up covert millitary aid to the Mujahadeen. The secret Afghanistan war had the goal to defeat Soviet troops in Afghanistan through covert action and encourage a soviet withdrawal. The new covert U.S assistance began with an increase in arms supplies.
The Waki report released a list of pliticians who were claimed to be the cause of chaos in Kenya after the 2007 elections. The crucial actors in Waki are U.S and E.U. ….is it weird that Raila Odinga did not appear in that list and the war was mainly because he had lost an election?
Aden Duale told Raila recently to reveal the person who is funding his U.S trip-he claimed that it is USAID, the same people who funded ICC witnesses against Uhuru. These claims are not proven. Raila is a rich man and he can afford to fund his own trips. It however raises questions.

3. The war on 9/11 made terrorist groups stronger and even made them come to power in some countries. Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya and Syria became victims of U.S anti terror fight. U.S arms sunni groups to allegedly fight Al-Qaeda. American officers who take part in this progran say many of Sunnis had been close to Mesapotamia’s branch of Al-qaeda.

The Westgate attack in Kenya is believed to be more of an Al-qaeda operation. Right in the middle of Uhuru’s reign and just when Kenya had settled and believed that we had succeeded in maintaining peace even after the elections. The westgate attack was definitely funded and funded well judging from the comments made by Hon.Ole Lenku who said that the terrorists had ‘advanced weapons’. *the new covert U.S assistance in Afghanistan began with an increase in arms supplies*
for some reason, we have faced terror threats and terror attacks as a country for a while but it was after the Westgate attack that muslim extremists seemed to go all out, from small car explosions to frequent bomb scares. Kind of reminds me of U.S after the 9/11 *the 9/11 made terrorist groups stronger*

4. Doug Wissing wrote a book called funding the enemy…he was an independent journalist and it talks of how U.S funded terrorist groups like Al-qaeda against themselves. In his Islam and the Arab awakening, Tariq Ramadan gives examples of proffessional training received by Arab youth in special facilities at the expense of U.S budget.

If you watched the NTV documentary foul winds you saw how Muslim youths are being trained for war didn’t you? Well…. Who’s taking care of that budget? It’s definitely not the Families of this children because some of the people taken in are not so well off. But regardless, they get the training that they require…maybe it’s terrorist groups that fund them…but who’s funding the terrorist groups?

We can go on and on defending and attacking, saying no and yes but the muslim extremists should stop usin islam as an excuse. No religion promotes violence, and if any religion does then it should be banned and not accomodated. Various Muslim leaders do agree that islam is about peace and not about war…….

So that only goes to say that the muslim extremists here are using islam as a cover…… It raises two main questions…
What is their motive and who is driving them to it?

Politician Or Celebrity?

There are things that i never want to wake up to. One: bad coffee, Two: bad politics.
And that ends my list. Honourable Kalonzo Musyoka has never been on my list of ‘reliable individuals’ because he basically lacks originality, discernment and wisdom, judging from his past encounters, but i never really thought that an educated man, a man who has been in Kenya for all this years, been a leader for so long…shockingly, could discriminate against someone over ethnicity. Maybe there was a misunderstanding…maybe he has personal issues with the Qtv journalist, Kennedy Murithi, but the fact is, that’s not how we see it as citizens or as the third party. Mr.Kennedy asked Kalonzo why his coalition was not giving solutions to the failures of the Jubilee government and Kalonzo attacked Kennedy based on his name. That either leads you to believe that Kalonzo has something against Murithi’s ethnicity or the name Kennedy gives Kalonzo bad memories from his highschool days..but who knows? I’d definitely not bet on the latter. Justin beiber can get away with dissing a journalist. So would Chris brown… They are celebrities..they have to make news. Kalonzo is a god damn politician..he is considered a leader by quite a number of people and he should respect that. It is his duty to remain composed, his duty to lead by example and his duty to shut up when he has nothing wise or necessary to say. He would rather have settled for an answer like ‘We have not come up a steady structure of the solutions for Jubulee’s failures’ or ‘we will look into strategising methods and solutions in order to turn things around’ but instead, he throws a shoe at a journalist..hypothetically speaking. Grow up Kalonzo!

My Opinion.

We complain about everything around us. I have to big up Machakos county (Kenya) for all the developments that are underway.
We need to start realizing that despite the fact that our leaders have power, we can not sit here like clueless passangers and complain about inflation, complain about insecurity, complain about lack of jobs and what have you and wait for our apparent leaders to make it all better. We need to understand that we drive ourselves. You want to see a change? Make one yourself. You don’t have to lead a protest to be heard. That is a very uncivilised manner of communicating if you ask me..and expecting your target to make a civilised decission or action from that is bizzare. You can only strike the right reaction if you use the right action. Speak, but use the right form of communication. Opinions alone do not make you a politician..you might have all the right solutions but you take them to someone who has no interest in solving the problem. People will hear you, but it is upon you to propagate the movement that will fuel your ideas in the right direction. Put the well being of your society before your personal interest….see how that works out for the good of generations to come.

what everyone else forgets to say.

I believe in alot of things:
I believe in peace among men, but i also believe that violence is at times innevitable. I believe hardwork pays but i also believe sometimes obstacles are there to mean run the other way. I believe love can heal when young and kill when it grows old and bitter. I believe some people choose their fate while others get bitch slapped by life every now and then. I may not believe in the existence of a supernatural world, but i don’t dismiss those who choose to believe. I believe if i have the freedom to choose to live then i should also have the freedom to choose to die. I believe words can change people, but not every single person. I believe the world has an impact on every individual at its own time, and people turn out different because they react differently to the impact. I believe some people know alot, but i have alot to know. I believe happiness is a choice, not a state,
but above all, i believe in myself.